betweenlaughter

02:42 pm: Because I can't go, this is what will have to do....

http://flickr.com/photos/marycwood/

look if you want or just imagine it and say I'm pathetic. It's okay. I'm so desperate I e-mailed the Handlebar to ask them to book them again. Help me and show your enthusiasm...

handlebar@handlebar-online.com

07:13 pm: Hey Mama welcome to the sixties!
So I finished Demian today, a little later than I wanted but I did it. Now all I have to do is write my essays, probably on Sunday.

We leave for Charleston tomorrow to spend the day with Heather.

I can't wait to read The Claddagh Ring, finish it and read The Closed Circle. I'm excited. Can't wait!

I just an overview of what the film for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is going to include and it sounds so GREAT! I can't wait for it to come out. And it comes out after RENT so RENT has a good chance at box office totals for the first week or so. I can't wait for RENT either, It'll be so amazing I know. November is going to be so so great!

"And that's where it's at, now run and tell that"

06:23 pm: Breathing just to breathe...
Went running. Then did some sit-ups and stretches when I got home. I love excersing; I just wish I were in more shape to do it. haha. I just I'll just try and keep at it then I will be in shape to do it. right?

I think I found a song to describe and somewhat explain me:

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street

She thinks, “Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might

She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”

There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage

But she says, “Please
There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey



I feel like I haven't seen so many people in so long. It's sad, everyone can't wait for this time of year but when it comes no one wants it.

04:55 pm:

Alright, so today was better than the last two days. Good.

I just finished attempting math homework. I don't understand it. I'll go in for help in the morning.

Also, I just got back a little bit ago from getting the new Dave Matthews cd. Awesome! So good. I love spending time and shopping with Linds. I need to do it with more friends.

Today I got my prom pictures, they're really good. Everyone's were good actually. The sight that the pictures are on is really cute. Mrs. Wallace does really good pictures.

Got to eat lunch with Courtney, well sorta, until she left, but it was still great to see her for a little bit, it's the most we've spoken since prom I think. Love that girl.

So I don't really know what else to say so I'll leave you all with a little lyric:

I ride my bike down the old dirt hill, first time without my training wheels. first time I kissed you I lost my legs, bring that beat back to me again. screaming shouting louder innocence days when all we did would never end

06:05 pm: I think this has been the longest week ever. And it's not even over yet. Luckily Nicole is getting better bit by bit as far as I've heard. That's good news. I know we're all praying for her.
And I'm so mad because I can't go to Brian's funeral. I apparently made plans about two weeks ago for Friday and now I can't back out. I feel just utterly horrible about it.


I was just looking around on my LJ page here and saw that someone named Justin, moviefanatic87, has me listed as a friend. I can honestly not think of anyone I know named Justin. So if anyone can help me out here it would be great appreciated. I'm just curious so when I do find out I'm more than likely going to feel like an idiot. oh well, at least then I'll know.


On a side note...for the past two days Lindsay's had a Gaelic Storm song in her head. haha. I knew it would happen. But it's ok because GS is bloody greatness!!haha love ya lots Linds. Keep June 16 open...

03:29 pm: I'm more angry than anything. I don't really know what to do, it just doesn't seem real. Yeah, I've had my moments where I've just broken down but everyone has, and I feel like I don't know why. Like, I do but I don't. I don't know what to feel except that I feel lost. I feel like I can't trust things or people or anything. I wasn't right. I was carelessness on his part and he deserves worse than he got. It's not fair. And what makes it worse is that I haven't even talked to Nicole or Brian much this year, not like the past two years. It sucks and I wish I could go back in time to spend more time with them both and then have this never happen. But I can't. All I can do is just listen and help those who need it and try to move on. If we all dwell on this forever it's only going to hurt ourselves, it won't undo what's been done. It'll just take time to move on and it'll hurt, it'll be hard, and we'll break down and feel like we can't go on but knowing both of them, I don't think they would want us to be down and upset for so long. They're both happy and funny and they both bring smiles to everyone's faces, no matter who you are.

Anyway, we just need to be there for each other, Nicole, and their families and before long, even though it won't be the same, we'll all be ok.

There's so much more I feel like I should say, more I should do but I don't know what. It's like things are going so fast but slow at the same time and I don't know how to deal with it so I'm just quiet and careful. I don't know...There's nothing I can say or do to make anyone feel better, really, so I'm just going to be here if anyone needs me for anything. No matter what.

We love you and we miss you, Brian, you'll never be forgotten.

03:14 pm: Ellery, Ryan, Stevie, Tom, Twigger, and Pat....
I got my parking permit for school today.

USC is playing St. Joe's tonight in the finals.

"All the sights of Paris
Pale inside your iris
Tip the Eiffel Tower with one glance
Stained glass cathedrals with one glint"


"'Cause I'm a one man guy in the morning
Same in the afternoon
One man guy when the sun goes down
I whistle me a one man tune"

Today was pretty good, very random.

04:52 pm: Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!!!!!!!



Erin Go Bragh!!!(I think that's the right spelling...it's supposed to say "Ireland forever" in Gaelic)haha

06:00 pm: I hope you never forget that we could've had the world...if only you exsisted...
YAH!!! It's finally Christmas break!! I'm happy, the stress is just slipping away.

Great news: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (the 6th book) comes out July 16, 2005!!!! can't wait!

My sister and I went to my grandmother's when I got home to have some ham and hot apple cider. My grandma opened one of her presents from her sister. She's so bad! She was like "as long as you don't tear the paper and tape it back where the tape was to begin with no one will ever know" I was like "grandma, I can't believe you" Then when she finally did wrap it back up she forgot to rewrap the thing in the plastic that was inside the box. Crazy.

I found where my parents are hiding Heather and my's presents, but they were already wrapped. Darn I guess but at the same time I'm glad because I hate knowing before Christmas morning. I like the surprise. I think this year will be a good Christmas. At least better than last year.
I hope anyway.

It was a good day if I do say so myself.

03:08 pm: Open up my eager eyes...
Today was ok, I guess. I feel crappy and it doesn't feel like christmas like it should. I can't wait until break.

I need something to make me happy.

Lindsay and Sydney weren't in French today so I had no one to talk to and was alone because Kevin left me for Sarah and Shalanda. Apparently I'm not interesting and fun enough for him.

12:31 pm: In three words I can sum up what I've learned about life: it goes on ~ Robert Frost
So last night was fun. I think the cookies and all went over well. I absolutely loved our conversations. I think every topic was covered at some point. Also, I think all emotions were felt. Whatever, it was great. I think during the summer we'll all have to make an entire day out of doing that. But instead of cookies it can be like smoothies or something.

I getting really excited for Christmas now. I can't wait for Christmas Eve: my grandmother's Czech dinner, midnight mass, the warmness of my bed when I come home from midnight mass(for some reason it feels different on that one night of the year. no other night feels like that.), Christmas Eve morning when I get one present from my parents, making Christmas Eve dinner and eating snacks with my parents and sister. For some reason Christmas Eve just feels special. No other day makes me feel like that day. It's like seeing the world in a different way. I don't understand it but I know I like it.

I don't think you have to understand something to believe it. Even though it's what you've always been told and it's all you've ever really known and you don't understand it, it's ok, because one day you will. You might feel bad now because you don't understand when everyone else does but when you finally get it, it'll be that much more special for you than it is for them.
I just hope it doesn't happen too late.

"Yes, he thought, between grief and nothing I will take grief."

"The best time to do something important is between yesterday and tomorrow."

"If you don't laugh at yourself life's going to seem a lot longer than you want it to."

"We all know that our time in this world is limited...and yet it is always a surprise when it happens to somebody we know."

"Don't forget the way you like to sing along. Don't forget the way you make me feel at home."

"Giving up is never the way out"

"Friendship isn't a big thing, but more like a million little things."

"Where there is sorrow there is holy ground"

"On life's vast ocean diversely we sail..."

04:07 pm: Ray, I'm sorry I snapped at you

I guess everything's ok. I'm really tired from the battle of bands last night. Everyone was awesome. I had great fun. I can't wait until the 22nd show.

My little party thing is tonight. I hope it turns out well.

Lemony Snicket came out today, I'm going to see if Heather wants to go with me on Sunday to see it. She comes home tomorrow.

03:52 pm: So it's been kinda blah lately. I'm not liking it too much. I just kinda feel angry a lot.

Well one reason is because I just found out that by saying nothing I "bitch a lot" whatever that means. I'll be talking to you about that tonight sometime. And there's no right for you to say you can't take me home anymore because all those times my dad and Heather took you to school and brought you home. They didn't have to do that. Just to let you know, think about that.

Tonight is the Battle of the Bands. I'm excited because Bill is playing with Melvin's and I can't wait to hear him. He's got to be great.
I can't wait until the 22nd show. It's exciting.

Heather comes home in two days.
Lemony Snicket comes out tomorrow.(EEEEE!!)
:)

I think I like Tyler Havird. It's weird.

"Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game."

"Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost. Well, if that's love it comes at much to high a price."

"Don't wish, don't start. Wishing only wounds the heart. I wasn't born for the rose and pearl...I'm not that girl."

03:09 pm: Today was ok I guess. It could've been better. I just feel really weird. I can't wait until we're out of school for christmas. I want something really exciting to happen, something to make me happier than I've ever been before. I kinda feel like I deserve something like that. Like I haven't been all that "happy" in a long time it seems. The kinda of happiness where you have absolutely no worries in the back of you're mind what so ever because you know that where you are and what you're doing is completely right. I want something along those lines. I don't want to feel out of the loop and on my own anymore. I almost don't care how it happens and why. I just want it.

Also, lately, sometimes I've been feeling really out of place. Like if I were somewhere else in the world would I feel like this? Would I be the same type of person with the same type of friends, or would I be different? I wonder that sometimes. What if I were a better person. More attractive, more interesting, more creative, more talented, more everything. Why can't I be there and be that person instead? Who knows. But then I start to think, what if how I am now, and all that's going on now is what's actually supposed to happen because I'm destined for something better later on. It's probably not true but it's a thought, right??

I don't know. I mean I know I always talk about going to England and Ireland and all of that but it's because I honestly think that if I were there that I'd be happier. It's not that I'm ashamed of where I come from or who I am but I just feel that I could do better. I know it sounds bad but it's who I am I guess. So it might not ever change for me. I really don't know. I can only hope against all odds.

"don't question why she needs to be so free"

02:12 pm: Debate makes me depressed. It sucks. I don't know if I should keep it up if it's only going to make me cry after every tournament. It doesn't matter if I compete or not. On the way home I feel so detached and unwanted, well actually just detached and unnoticed. That's not right. Plus there're novices, first years, who place at every tournament they go to but if it's not a first place they get upset. I'm like "you're stupid!!" try being in debate for three years and never placing once! It just makes me want to scream!!! People just can't except what they get they have to have the best. It's so sad.

These last few days have been crappy beyond knowing. I can't wait until break starts. I want to see Britain at the show on the 22nd. He makes me smile (a real smile, not the fake one I have to give other people sometimes.)

Courtney, you're invited to my cookie/everything else girly party on Friday, I should talk to you about it. haha. See if you can come.

I feel like crying. My grandmothers, me and my mom, and one of my grandmother's friends went out to lunch today. To begin with my mom and I don't like Jean, the friend, so that made me pissy. Then they start talking about me going to college and all and that's a stressful topic for me that makes me cry. So there they are, obviously not seeing that I don't want to talk about it, I've got tears in my eyes and they still won't stop until I practically yell at them in the restaurant. I just feel like everything's going down the drain lately.

I don't like the way I am but yet I can't seem to change because I don't know how I should be instead. I need to talk to someone about it but I don't know who and I don't know how to put all of my feelings into words. I hate this.

And I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I need a day alone to myself to just not care. To think for myself.

"Every living creature on this earth dies alone"

"...what if you could go back in time, and take all those hours of pain and darkness and replace them with something better? "

"If the sky were to suddenly open up, there would be no law, there would be no rule. There would only be you and your memories. "

"This famous linguist once said that of all the phrases in the English language, of all the endless cominations of words in all of history, that "cellar door" is the most beautiful. "

07:25 pm:

Picture an armless man running full tilt. Imagine if he fell!

 

 

You can't say you didn't laugh...haha! 

What do you call cheese that isn't yours... ...Nacho Cheese! You know you laughed again. haha

06:51 pm: I just finished homework and burning cds for Sam.

I got some wicked key chains yesterday from Hot Topic. I'm sure you all know by now but if you don't.....they're Harry Potter (Draco and Ron)hehe. I was happy.

I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing for some friends for Christmas. I think it'll be good. I'm excited.

Tyler Havard makes me smile.

9 days until Lemony Snicket. 10 days until Heather comes home. I'm psyched for both!

I feel like there's a part of me that's changing and I kind of don't like it. I'm not really sure what to do or if it's even affecting other people. But it doesn't feel very nice.

I feel bad that I wasn't there for Lindsay when she said she wanted to talk to me.

I absolutely adore my English class.

I love the bagpipes and(most)guys in kilts. haha

"We had dreams and songs to sing
It's so lonely round the fields of Athenry"

"If I could undo all the wrongs that I've caused
Fall to my knees pray for swiftness and just"

"The ones that you loved
The ones that you left behind
The ones you said you'd try to find
Are they tryin' to find you?"

Wander across the universe

Beauty like dance; she will dance

Whisper perfect moment

04:11 pm: Today was pretty good I guess. Well I guess it better be good becuase David said something bad was going to happen if I didn't have a good day. haha
He, Sam, and I went to Arby's after school today. Fun stuff.

I finished and turned in my English paper today, I'm so glad that's over and done with. I hope I did alright.

I can't wait until Christmas. Well...in a sense I guess I can wait because I need to go shopping for friends. Definately need to hurry on that. I have no clue what I'm going to do. I was thinking about having everyone over, that I'm giving gifts to, and then doing like a fun arts and crafts thing and letting that be their gift, whatever they make. That way I know they'll like it. Because they made it themselves. Then we can watch movies and stuff. It'll be a little movie night thing. And maybe they all could spend the night too. And if you don't come you don't get a present unless I really like you and you have a legitimate reason as to why you couldn't come. I'll see...

I love my group of friends!!

Cheers!!

The following is an interview snippet from a harry potter interview with Alfie Enoch (Dean Thomas) and Matthew Lewis (Neville Longbottom)...for those of you who are fans. (TLC is the interviewer)

TLC: You guys seem like really good friends, it’s cute!
AE: He just gets at me!
ML: I don’t get at you, you get at me!
AE: I get at you, why, because you say grass.
ML: Because I say grass, yeah.
TLC: What’s 'grahss'? [confused looks]
AE: Grass –
ML: Green – grows in the ground.
TLC: Oh! That’s what you mean. It sounds so different from an American ear.
AE: I couldn’t understand it either!
ML: Very amusing. Because you see, up north, we say it right and these guys don’t understand it –
AE: That’s funny, because see, we made up the language properly.
ML: Spell grass.
AE: Grass [grahss]. G-R-A-S-S.
ML: How would you say that?
TLC: Well I’m from New York, so I’d say grass. ["Greass."]
AE: [mimics] Grass.
ML: That’s more like mine than yours [Alfie’s].
AE: Yeah.

02:54 pm: Taking a break...
...from writing my English paper. I probably shouldn't be doing this but I'm hoping it'll let my mind find some fresh new thoughts to write about. I hope it works.

Sydney rocks because she said I was her hero for using bollocks. haha. I love that word. That one and cheers. I just love English vocab. haha. I can't wait until we go next summer. We'll have the best time ever. Who knows what'll happen. Lots of memories to last I'm sure.

Well that was pretty much it. Heather comes home in 13 days. I'm excited. She got my christmas present in London. Lindsay and I hope it's a boy. Gotta love those accents! I can't wait to find out what it is.

"Until we meet again"

"oh my Roisin Dubh I'll forever love the youth you once possessed."

"You! You never looked so good. Sippin' life down like I wish I could."

"Now there's an ocean between where I am and where I want to be. So you prayers in doubt, doubt not for me"

"Well I'd love you photograph your hand. Then shake it for a while."

02:02 pm: I just finished the SAT and just got back from eating lunch with Casey. Memory Lane is a funny place to visit. You can look back at how corny you used to be. haha. The SAT wasn't really all that bad. I just got worse as I went along. Like my mind just got hazy and I literally couldn't think. Weird. I hope I did well though.

I need to get things done for people's X-mas presents. I don't know what to do. I need to think fast.

I don't really need to be writing here. I need to be writing my English paper.
It's on Tolkien's The Hobbit. So I guess it's not that bad, right? It's a good book, he's a cool guy. Now I just have to think of what to write.

"Sail away where no ball and chain can keep us from the roarin' waves. Together undivided but forever we'll be free."

"She dances in a photograph, when it was good to joke and have a laugh. But that was yesterday, if only today."

"Chasin' down the avenue after a childhood that she never knew."

"Come day go day, wish in heart it was Sunday. Drinking buttermilk all the week and whiskey Sunday."

"Do you still walk the street at night? With the Wanderlust you fight. Back to the corner where we went our separate ways"

"Don't turn your back on me. Don't ever let me down. She said I picked you up each time before you hit the ground."